truth of my love

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." 


This is such truth for me

Day Eight and Onward....

Hello Darlings... its long lost me returning from my hectic life and finally back to committing to this oh so beautiful blog. Its been so long since I've written my thoughts out on this computer screen but I am going to try and update
       Lets see... well first off I am feeling strong and beautiful. God I have been so thankful for all of my friends lately for being there and supporting me in my life. I am also so thankful for them encouraging me to get to know myself and to take risks. This whole relying on myself concept seemed so foreign to me 2 weeks ago, but now it just feels liberating. I love waking up each morning wondering who Im going to meet, how Im going to feel during the day....and the best part (now that my desire for food is back) what Im going to eat.
     Yesterday made this whole choice of food thing so easy....due to the fact it was 106 degrees. Soooo I jumped in the car with my roommate and went and bought myself a blender and vodka. Goal: To create the perfect peach fuzzy. Now you probably have no idea what this drink is that I'm talking about, but dont worry I didnt either until my roommate told me about it. So here it is:

PEACH "Fab" Fuzzy:
1 can of limeade ( the frozen type)
fill that can up with vodka
add about 3 large peaches...with skin on (make sure you take out the pits)
add plenty of ice
annnnndddd then blend it into perfection.

I of course added an umbrella for a relaxing touch, but that step is just up to you. I then cooked up some amazing pulled pork sandwiches. Perfect summer combo I must say.

   This morning was a great day too... well at least it has been so far. I started my morning out making homemade blackberry waffles...which looked horrible but tasted amazing. Then blasted music on the walk to school and started my day.
     Its so strange to be back in school again... but then again I just love the first week because I am still so excited to learn at this point.

Im off to experience the rest of my day. Off to be happy. And off to hopefully avoid the heat somehow. See you tomorrow...........

To My Eyes, Ears, and Mouth....

Dont want to be so angry dont want to keep so quiet now its open fire and i cant move 
dont want to be so careful dont care enough to mind dont know 
leave me with no head room 
to climb back down 
im just waiting for a land slid 
made up my mine to make me whole again 
take up 
your time when im alone 

dont want to be so anxious 
dont care to stand in line 
i like bein in an open fire 
as you watch me burn down 
and wait along the waste side 
made up my mind to make me whole again 
take up your time when im alone 

Dont want to let you down 
dont care to bring this up again 
in my defense it doesnt make since 
why you even come around 
then over and over you lay around 
and watch me go back down before my storm 
made up my mind to make me whole again 
take up your time (I Ammmmmmmmmmm) 
to make me whole again 
take up your time when im a lone

Day Six & Seven: The Days of Stepping Forward

Change is hard. Change is needed. I am stubborn. These are all so very true. Working forward from knowing about change and actually making it is two very different things. And that is what Im trying to do.
    I have have always been a person that has someone by her side. I haven't had a chance in a very long time to experience what change is just for myself without anybody else involved. Its weird to think that I am going to be okay, because that nervous knot in my stomach really would like to convince me Im wrong.
          I have been working forward on trying to embrace this change by allowing myself to feel whatever I need to feel, whenever it happens. I guess I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and if things are meant to work out the way you want them, they will if they're supposed to be. This is the thought that is keeping me moving on, keeping me smiling, and keeping me constantly hoping.
        I am going to figure things out, I just need to take them one step at a time.

To My Eyes, Ears, and Mouth....

I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will, oh yes I will

'Cause maybe in the future, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me

I don't wanna be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go

'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
But I'm gonna wash away, oh I'm gonna wash away
Everything till you come home to me

Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
In the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me, you're gonna come back to me
You're gonna come back to me 

Day Four & Five: The Days Of Realization

I just got back from our annual Connolly Family camping trip and it was amazing. It was full of memories that I know are going to last me a life time. Full of laughs that filled my heart, and full of life that enhanced mine.
             This time this camping trip was not just for fun, but for therapy.  I realized a lot about myself by looking at my family. I realized that I have so many faucets of my character that are amazing, and strange. I realized that I most of the time know that I want, but I am so unsure at the same time. I also realized strangely while sitting around the campfire drinking tea, that i proceed in life almost the same way I drink tea.
          Most of the time, i pour my tea. Figure out what type of tea I want. Let it brew the same way I do my relationships. Then I wait, and wait, and wait. I test the water with my finger and after a while I finally decide to drink it. By that point I am in love with the tea, I never want it to go empty or cold, but of course it does, because its tea. I realized I have to test the water before even putting my lips to the rim of the cup, because I am so afraid of getting burned. Im so afraid, yet I know that I will recover.
       I realized that I am so afraid of so many things because I know that they might hurt. But I guess its okay to be hurt a little bit, its okay to recover, and its okay to learn from that burn. It will make me a stronger woman from it.
    So now I am home and on to my next learning experience that may come my way. I am excited to learn how to cope on my own, how to truly value my own emotions, wants, and wishes. I am excited to learn how to make a friendship thrive and grow despite awkward struggles that might come about. Im excited about change for the first time in my life.... yet scared shitless.... but thats okay.

To my Eyes, Ears, and Mouth....

I think I'm gonna stay home
Have myself a home life
Sitting in the slow-mo
And listening to the daylight
I am not a nomad
I am not a rocket man
I was born a house cat
By the slight of my mother's hand

I think I'm gonna stay home

I want to live in the center of a circle
I want to live on the side of a square
I used to be in my M-Z now
You'll never find me cause my name isn't there

Home life
Been holding out for a home life
My whole life

I want to see the end game
I want to learn her last name
Finish on a Friday
And sit in traffic on the highway
See, I refuse to believe
That my life's gonna be
Just some string of incompletes
Never to lead me to anything remotely close to home life

Been holding out for a home life
My whole life

I can tell you this much
I will marry just once
And if it doesn't work out
Give her half of my stuff
It's fine with me
We said eternity
And I will go to my grave
With the life that I gave
Not just some melody line
On a radio wave
It dissipates
And soon evaporates
But home life doesn't change

I want to live in the center of a circle
I want to live on the side of a square
I'd love to walk to where we can both talk but
I've got to leave you cause my ride is here

Home life
You keep the home life
You take the home life
I'll come back for the home life
I promise

Day Three: The Day of Familarity

Today has begun just as normally as it has every time I have come home. I woke up way earlier than I would have liked due to the sun rising in through my window and the sounds of the rooster screeching good morning to the world. I then enjoyed an amazing bowl of fruit all picked from our property and a warm cup of coffee made with love and extra cinnamon from my mom
From that point I made the first step in improvement by getting a haircut. There's always something about new haircuts that just seem to set you off to a fresh start. I guess I love those beautiful changes that make you feel beautiful.
        Now Im in anticipation to go camping with my family. There really is nothing better then having a wonderful family surrounding you. I mean yes... they may drive you crazy, even most of the time... but still there is something about the endless love and comfort that just makes it all worth it to me.
            Im excited to lose myself in the windy drive on the way up. Lose myself in a good book sitting by a campfire. Find myself in the long hikes we take. And love myself while laughing so hard that my cheeks start to hurt. Im just excited I think for this change of pace.
     Well I guess im off to start packing and to get away...be back sunday :) I cant wait.

To My Eyes, Ears, and Mouth....

I could tell by the tone of your voice 
That this isn't working out 
I can tell by the look in your eyes 
You've made up your mind you haven't got a doubt 

I remember when I first saw you 
I remember the way I felt 
And you're breaking me to pieces 
And I don't know how I deal with this, but I fight 
Learned, anything at all it was to 
Always be true to yourself and I know this isn't the end of this 
I will fall 

Have you ever watched the shadows 
fly across the midnight sky? 
I always used to watch the sunset 
But it seems that I haven't got the time anymore 
But if I learned anything at all it was to 
Always be true to yourself and I see what I can do now 
I'm gonna try 

I've been thinking for days (for days) 
I've been sleepless for nights (for nights) 
But it all came to me 
Driving home crying my eyes out 

And if I learned anything at all it was to 
never give in 
cause I see all my dreams laid out in front of me 
And for once, it doesn't seem so tough 
no it doesn't seem so tough

Day Two: The Day Of Changes and Comfort

So here I am actually making it to ay two of my blog. I never actually thought that I would make it two days in a row. Today is a strange day to write about being so good and yet not at the same time. Today started out crazy, but thanks to the AMAZING Luke  I made it to the airport on time, despite the getting lost twice and stopping for gas along the way. Basiclly i had an adventure before it even turned 8:30 am.
              When I finally made it to the airport I was greeted by security telling me due to my enourmous amount of bobby pins in my hair that I would either have to take them out or recieve a pat down. I decided to take the what i thought was the quickest route and take the pat down with courage. I made it though no problem with about 5 minutes to spare before my plane left without me.
         One hour and 15 minutes later I arrived in sunny san diego and faced my reality of what my life is. And I was surprised by what I found, I was okay. I was happy and I got to spend the day with a wonderful man, and my best friend. I realized that my fear was for nothing. I was okay, he was okay, and we were okay. Of course I am still fearful of what the future will bring me but I know that I will have a good friend along the way, and that really cares despite the struggles we are about to go through.
       One another note it is so wonderful to be home in a place so familiar and welcoming. I forgot how much I missed the smell of the ocean, the crazy traffic, the roar from the padres game, and the howls of coyotes coming from outside my window.
I am starting to realize its not only other people that define your life, but its also yourself who defines it. Im starting to see the beauty in this breakdown, and I think it will be okay.

To My Eyes, Ears, and Mouth....

If melody is my destiny 
Then what's left of me 
I'll give to you 

If next to me 
Is all that you need to be 
Would you settle for fantasy 
If it's the best you could do 

Can I have my cake? 
Can I have you too? 
Would you follow me? 
Could I ask you to? 

Would the world between us 
break these ties 
We've work so hard to realize 
Can a postcard say 
What I see in your eyes? 
Could I ever break away? 

Would I be satisfied 
and find peace inside 
Rolling half my life 
over broken white lines 

Can I have my cake? 
Can I have you too? 
Would you follow me? 
Could I ask you to? 

Will I wake up one morning 
and see your face 
and streaks on the window 
that the rainstorm makes 
Could you bear all the weight 
and the strength that it takes 
could I ever break away 

Can I have my cake? 
Can I have you too? 
Would you follow me? 
Could I ask you to? 

Would the world between us 
break these ties 
We've work so hard to realize 
Can a postcard say 
What I see in your eyes? 
Could I ever break away?

Day one: The Beginning of it all

Im not sure how much I will write, how much I will read, and how much I will care about this blog in a week or two. But I am going to make the attempt to use this as a dedication to myself and to help me see how beautiful, painful, and wonderful my life really is. I need to figure out who I am and what I want out of life... and i guess just to throw myself out there. Currently I am in a strange place in my life. I am at a point in which the people around me are changing their minds and life, and therefore changing my own life. I am at a point in which I am going to have to get by more on my own and learn how to be comfortable in my own skin. I am at a point of no return. I am at the point where Im terrified of the future... and this has never happened before.
       I am supposed to head down to my hometown of San Diego tomorrow and face the thing that is changing it all... my relationship. Im not very good with big changes, even if they really do need to happen.  I am a person that likes a plan and stability and when that gets blown out of the water I cry, throw up, don't sleep, and over think everything. Now its time for me to start embracing this change in my life and learn to see the beauty in this breakdown. I hope I can find it soon.